Dear Universe - The State of Stuff 'nThings

I start this first foray into the blogging world as a means of expression under the cloak of anonymity. It's not that sharing one's thoughts is something to be ashamed of, but expressing oneself with complete unabashed honesty on FaceBook or Myspace leaves something to be desired.

The beauty of it is that you do not know me, and I do not know you. So judge away. There is likely no one that will read this, but the thoughts will be out in world and relieved from my mind.

So, here I sit with a fresh mug of green tea, my ever-faithful dog curled up next to me, and a blank slate to put my thoughts out into the universe... Suppose one purpose behind the exercise is to untangle the thoughts, to give admission to action, to declaw the demons that threaten to throw me into the waiting arms of chaos at any moment.

So here is the State of Things.

Tomorrow I begin again.

Today the house is a disaster. Car is a disaster. Laundry is everywhere & haven't completely unpacked from a business trip 3 weeks ago. Evidence of introversion is scattered across the floor of the house and car. Novels, pop cans, wine bottles, take-out boxes, DVDs. Throw in cigarettes & a houseful of cats and I'm the world's youngest cat lady.

As a creature of extremes, balance does not come easily. Left to my own devices, life is a violent and vibrant ride. Exhilirating. Exhausting. Alienating. Lonely. Shameful. Shockingly, being the life of the party & overimbibing usually leads into these more unpleasant moments. Swing to being an introvert. Hiding from the world to stuff away the pain & shame & anger with food. Therefore, get fatter. And lazier. And moodier. And just whole slew of no bueno.

This is not the life I want to lead. The above = weight gain, bad skin, no friends, no life, & no love. Not anywhere near there yet, but the eventuality of being sad, fat, & unhappy is not an option.

The plan is to refocus, re-regiment, restart. Force the habits & organization that is not second nature to my personality.

So to all of the unknown out there - I will pour out my ponderings. Find solace in acknowledging the unpleasantness in my soul. And make the choice to live the life I want & be willing to put the work into it.